Gaia's Mind

I am back!!!

2006-09-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

Hey long time no talk. Well a lot has happened since the last I posted. Lets see...hmmmm...I am no longer engaged to Sen. I miss him though, and that will never change. I am married to a man that never stops loving me even in the bad times. In the pagan sense things are just getting worse than what they were before. I am back in Ohio and living with my mother. That is the biggest test in patiance that you can ever have. Also my husband(captain happy) has a son which is also my son(Hellian) who likes to run around and chase anybody who is around with a butcher knife. That will stop soon as I get him in my custody. Well that is all for this blog will be back sooner next time.

Special Thanks:
Tony: Thanks for helping me when I needed it. I hope you will come to see Captain Happy and me soon.
Belinda: You topok me in when nobody else cared and there is no way I can make it up to you.
William: You are the best brother in the world hope you are very happy with the rest of your life.
Pete: You never left my side while I was in Louisiana and you welcomed Captain Happy to Ohio and made friends with him. Friends for ever.
Sen: You showed me that men could be more than just abusive ******** well you know what I mean. I will always love you. Muivivi toush Senento.

Okay I am officially drained.

2005-12-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

Alright I am so tired so this will be short. I am tired and cranky. I have had little to no sleep in the past week due to training and my staying up late. There is a lot I still need to do, but here is what it going on here in my world. I broke off the engagement with Sen due to the fact I fell heard for a man I call Buddha. He is so sweet and caring. Not saying that Sen was not. Buddha is just different than Sen and takes care of me in the way that Sen could not. I just hope I do not mess this one up. I am almost hired with Davids Bridal. That is good and I am changing so fast that it is scaring me. Yet I will get use to it. One of my pagan friends passed away this past week as did my Aunt Mary.((cry)) Life is changing and it is okay.

Special Thanks:
Buddha: I am grateful for all you have done for me. I will never forget the things you have done or will do for me. Never change who you are.
Momma: I am extremely grateful for all of the changes you have helped me make and for all of the training you have helped me through. I am also sorry for losing faith in myself and you for what you are doing.

Well peeps that is all for tonight.

Okay I am officially drained and in deep crap.

2005-11-24T13:13:00.000-08:00

Alright here is what is going on. My world has turned upside down. I have too much learning to finish so I am not able to move to Canada to be with my Sen. That is what is killing me right now. I miss him so much that I am about gone. I was told to embrace my Indian heritage and to be taught by my appointed warrior as much as he could. I am to be his priestess and to give him the power of Gaia in battle and he is to teach and protect me in return. I have been fighting so much this past week that I can barely stand or stay awake and when I sleep I am not sleeping. I have not been able to speak to my Sen in such a long time. But hey I am living(I guess). I am still going to visit him sometime this coming year but not move up yet. Okay this is where in my journal this WILL sound Pagan and Indian like so do NOT read this if you do not like it.

Okay it all started this past Friday. I had just woken up and was told by something to call a new friend of mine, Ben, and when I did he told me that we and I mean not just him and I, but the ENTIRE gaming group that I play with had a Demon problem. ((Oh yay how fun demons.)) So I was like..........um Really??? Well that is not good. Well he told me that Tony((my warrior)) would know who was the main problem. Well I had to wait till Ben talked to Tony. Well I did and then Tony called me and I three-wayed Ben. Well the next night Tony, Ben, Chris(another gamer), and I had to start to fix the problem. Well we did not fix the problem completely Saturday night and Tony needed to work the next day. Well we went to Momma's house to talk to her. GRRRR that woman can make anyone angry. She is not the woman that I live with but the one who gave me orders to protect Ben. That night I was told by Horus and a dead Indian spirit to embrace my Indian heritage. So that night I did, now this was Saturday night. Sunday I had to sleep all day long in order to get my strength back, and also the chieftain and Tony would not let me get out of bed**rolls eyes**. Monday, now this is where it gets good, in a way. Monday, I was hanging out with Ben and we were heading to the park to do something that needed to be done. Well instead of making the left out of the parking lot I made a right toward the shop(the area where there were tons of portals allowing demons in to our realm). Well there was something pulling me to Chris and Tony. I was doing about 80 in a 25 mph road to get Chris and then I could not get to Tony because he was sleeping so hard that a train could have passed through his house and he would not have known. Well we, meaning Tony and I, had pissed off some demons like there was no tomorrow. I pulled into Chris' and got him, then I picked up Tony who kept telling me he was "Fine". Okay he needed to tell that to someone other than his priestess, I KNOW better. Well we headed beck to my house so I could pick up my mom and headed back to the shop. Well we fought and closed portals. Nearly lost a life and that was so not cool. Now we are all tired and weak. If anything was to attack us we would not be able to protect ourselves...........well. Now for the days special Thank You.

Today's Special Thank You goes to:
Tony: You believed in me when I had lost my faith. Protected me with your life and spirit. That can never be repaid. You will always be my Warrior. Never change who you are or what you believe in for it will be the end of you. Never ever believe that you are a worthless warrior or you will lose that forever. Your Priestess and sister in every life we live, Amber.

Well that is all for tonight/morning. Write more when I can.

Here is what is happening these days!!!

2005-11-17T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hi all long time no write. Well lets see here what has been going on. Well I now have some new friends. I am getting paid tomorrow. I am running all over town like a chicken with my head cut off(by my own choice so no complaints). I am concerned about AngelisX. I miss everyone so much that it hurts. I have had some interesting moments within the past twenty-four hours. Fair warning this is going to be a long log.

I am going straight down that list at the top. I have made some new friends that are gamers like me. Now I have friends that are girls. It is fun, well, sometimes. See one of my new girlfriends has a boyfriend that treats her like crap. There is a story behind that and I will tell that story later in the log. I am glad that I have found these friends because I now got my Vampire: The masquerade game started. It is getting good and there has been some drama with it, but that comes with the territory. I am finally feeling like there is more than just work, religion, and school to get up for everyday.

The next part is plain and simple really..................I AM GETTING MONEY TOMORROW!!! W00T!!!

I am concerned about AngelisX. More about his memory loss than anything else. If you want to know more read his log.

Now the final bit of my log. There has been many interesting advents today that nearly pushed me to losing control. Lets start off with this morning. I came home to eat and drop mom off so I could have the car and I come into the house to the guy I live with p***ed off at me for something that happened the night before in the gaming session.(I do not feel like talking about that really that was not the fun part of the past twenty-four hours so). Now the fun part was when I began to see red. My new girlfriend's son of a monkeys uncle for a boyfriend had made her upset by acting like a huge @$$ I mean really really really big one. Well we were at a Chinese restaurant and he "needed" to talk to her, but really all he wanted to do was put a guilt trip on her for riding in the car with me to the restaurant. She came back in after ten minutes and was crying and he demanded that she came back out to him and I told her that it was up to her and whatever her choice was I would back her up. Well she asked Shannon(another friend he is Pagan too) and I to come out with her. We did just to protect her from him if need be. This is where I nearly lost it. He DEMANDED that we go back inside to leave her and him alone. Well I stood there because I WILL NOT be told what to do by anyone at anytime or place. Not even my own fiance has the nads to tell me what to do(but he is a complete gentleman and never would disrespect a lady like that). After we finally moved to the actual restaurant I told my friend that I better not sit anywhere near him because I would stab him with the nearest object. GRRRRRR I HATE BOYS LIKE THAT!!! Well it did not get any better than that for the rest of the night, because he started $h!+ every chance he got and it made me sooooooooooooooooo AHHHHHHH!!! Goodness I really really do not like him. Oh and did I mention that I really do not like him??? Well I got home and decided to type here again after about one week.

There you go, a real look into the life of Gaia.
Special Message:
AngelisX: IF the memory thing gets worse honey you need to go to the doctor. I love you and would like to be able to go up there and you be alright. :-* <..> hehehehehehehe.

I told yall!!!

2005-11-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

Okay did I not tell yall that my life was getting too good to be true??? Yes I did. I do not know how or when it happened but I dislocated my knee sometime this week. See what happened was I came home from work Saturday night and was getting ready to go to bed and when I got up I felt a crack, a pop, and my knee move. I as and idiot ignored it and went to bed and when I woke up this morning I had to use my mom's old crutches. I went ahead to work and my coworker looked at me and called my boss and my boss told her to send me home because she wanted me to make my knee better and not to worry about my job that I would still have it when I returned.

On a higher note I have now found a fellow RPGer(roll playing gamer). Her name is Kat and she is Pagan like me. We spent about a half an hour talking about our characters for WW(white wolf) and D&D. I maybe starting a Vampire campaine. Which will be nice.

I have applied for some jobs in Canada and will apply at more after i finish this log. I talked to Freya. Which was nice and calming. I do miss everyone but I am making it. I am now starting something new here in my log call "Today's special "thank you"". Hope you all like.

TODAY'S SPECIAL "THANK YOU" GOES TO: AngelisX, Freya, and Sen.
AngelisX: Thank you for the advice you gave me about managing my time. I gave it a try and passed my last two lessons for college. Now all I have left is one last lesson book and I am graduated. XD **kisses**
Freya: You have given me confidence about moving up there. You have helped me figure out how to make it to where I have less problems when I move up there. You have been more of a help with me than you know so Thank You. XD **kisses**
Both of you: Thank you so much for taking Sen under your wing. I know that he is being taken care of when he is with you. That makes things so much easier down here. I am so happy thank you.
Sen: You have had confidence in me since I met you, and that confidence has helped me now more than ever. Never change for anyone but yourself not even for me. I love you just the way you are and that will never change. Gaia vuko "Yatoa kinsh tastisa sisai Muvivi" XD **hugs and kisses**
Suie
Gaia

UGH!!!

2005-11-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

I am ready to pull my hair out. Today at work I met one of my other associates and she was treating me as if I was born today. She kept telling me how to do this and that and I already knew what to do and what not to do. UGH I am not a child.

Other than that I am depressed and really want to be left alone. Is that to hard for people to understand. If I say "Leave me alone." that means leave me alone, not ask me "Are you okay???" GRRRRRRRR I hate it when people do not listen to what I ask or tell them. It starts to drive me nuts.

I have not been truly able to consintrate on my school work in almost a month. I miss my Sen like there is not tomorrow. I am still fearful of my dreams even after talking to AngelisX about them. I am still sick as a dog but going to work and things like that. Well that is all for now write later. Bye bye.

Dreams

2005-11-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

I will admit I am worried about moving to Canada. Not because of Sen, AngelisX, or Freya. The reason I am worried about moving to Canada is Robert. I really should not be worrying about it because it may not happen, but I still know what Robert can and will do. Let me tell you why I am worried.

Lately I have been having nightmares constantly about moving to Canada. Normally any dream I remember comes true. It really sucks. Anyways I have been having nightmares that after I move to Canada that Robert shows up. Let me tell it to you as if you are having it.

I am at AngelisX house and we are all having dinner. When there is a knock on the door. I can sense that it is Robert but I do not know how or if my mind is playing tricks on me. Well Robert asks "Does an Amber live here???" AngelisX tells him to come on in and he will go and get me. Well when AngelisX and I return we find both Freya and Sen knocked unconscious and tied up. AngelisX goes to hit Robert and Robert puts a gun in his face. Now in my dream AngelisX did the stupid thing and kept on swinging and got shot. Now I know my real AngelisX would not be that stupid. Well anyways after Robet tied AngelisX up with the other two Robert turned on me. Well I did not even try to run away because my loved ones were in trouble. Well Robert grabbed me and held me by my neck making me face my family. Here was the converstaion.(it does kind of sound like a movie)

R=Robert, F=Freya, A=AngelisX, S=Sen, and M=Me.
R- "Now you will choose who will die first."
M- "Me"
R- "No not you I want you to see these "friends" of your die first."
M- "Why??? You came here to kill me and me alone so just do it."
F- "Gaia you are being stupid."
A&S- "Get away from her (grrrrrr)"
R- "Fine I will kill you all."

Well my dream ends just as he kills everyone but me. Now you all can sort of understand why I am worried??? I feel like if I go up there I am going to put all of their lives in danger. I have no idea what to do. If anyone can help me it would be greatly appreciated.

Well on a higher note. I got to talk, really talk to Freya today for the first time. I got to get to know her better. It was wonderful. I have not gotten to talk to Sen in a few days but I will be okay. That is all for today ladies and gentilmen write more tomorrow.

Suie
Gaia

The Meeting.

2005-11-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

It was January of 2005, Painesville, Ohio and I had just dropped my Auto Body class and was moved to a tenth period study hall, and that is where I first saw him. He sat only a few inches from me, now the way I am about the discribe him might make you think that he is only in my mind, but this is a TRUE story. His head was bowed, with long blonde hair hiding his face at first, but when he looked up all I could see of his eyes was nothing due to the fact he was wearing sunglasses. He gave me a nod and bowed his head again. It was not until about two weeks later that either one of us said anything to one another, due to the fact that if I was not absent then he was. Till Febuary tenth when my birthday came. I had just turned seventeen and my family sent me a yellow rose to school with a balloon attached to it that had the Grimreaper on it that said "Don't worry I am only here for the cake." I just loved it and had gone to study hall as usual. Sen walked in and looked at the balloon and said that it was cool and introduced himself to me and I to him. We started to talk and when the bell rang I went to my locker and he asked me if I ever wanted to hang out?? I told him yes I would. Hey, I thought he was hot what would you do??? Well he asked me where I live and I told him and he said the he would be over in about twenty minutes. I told him that I would not be there yet because I walked and it took me aboot thirty minutes to get there at the speed I walked(which is really really fast in my opinion) Then he looked at me and asked me to wait out front because he would walk with me. So I waited and talked to one of my friends that was in the Automotive class that was across the way from my Auto Body class, when he came out. We walked to my place and he met Lisa(my bological mother) Rory(step-father) pluse my two younger sisters(out of the four sisters I have). Then a month went by and he started to stay everyday and night at my place. He helped with everything(except mine and his laundry, I did that.) Well I dropped out of school about two months after we started dating. I had decided to move to Louisiana to get my GED and go to college, because Robert led me to believe that he would take care of me. Yeah right!!! What was I thinking ?!?!?! Well I had fallen for Sen and had fallen hard. A week before I was to move I took my friend Colors out bowling for her birthday and after we got home, Sen took me by the hand and asked me the words that almost any girl wants to hear "Will you marry me???" Okay now before you say anything just know this I KNOW what I want and so does Sen so no telling us it is PUPPY love because it is not . Well I said yes because I could not picture my life whole without him, and we both knew that it maybe a year or two before we saw each other again, but that was only a small test of our love and we were willing to give it a try. It has been over six months since I saw Sen and my love for him only grows, and I cannot wait to move to Canada to be with him.

Well everyone there it is. The meeting and how we became or will become man and wife. Hope you all enjoy.

I am sick and tired..................

2005-11-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

Okay today is a rant if you hate rants do not read this..............I am sick and tired of men thinking they have rule over what I do and do not do. They all tell me that I am too young to be in love, that I am worthless and I will never add up to anything. GRRRRRRRR. I am mainly refering to Robert that s*** eating son of a monkies uncle. There are several more men like that in my life but I could care less what they think, because they do NOT even know me. So for all of those men here is a message for you.............BACK THE H*LL OFF THIS IS MY LIFE AND I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING SO SHUT-UP AND LEAVE ME AND MY LIFE OUT OF YOUR CONVERSATIONS!!!

Now to deal with Robert. Everyone who reads this must know that I am Roberts daughter((grrrr)). He is a drunk((which is why i do not get drunk)), he is both mentially and physically abusive, and he is thirty-eight and still acts like a teenager when it comes to being a father. He needs to grow up because it is bad when your own child acts more like an adult than you do. Well to continue the ranting. I am tired of Robert telling me that I am nothing but a C*** and that I am never going to add up to nothing because I have no plans in my life. Also that I am nothing but a smooch, because I am living with a friend and not paying rent. Well for your information I have a job and I would pay rent if my mom((the woman I am living with)) would stop giving me the money back. ((scream)) The only thing I have left in my life is the family I live with and my family in Canada. He is even trying to take that away. I finally told him that I was trying moving to Canada in Febuary and he freaked out. He told me that "No child of his was going to move to Canada and marry a f**king Canadian!!!" Well the truth has finally come out. To Robert..............YOU LIED TO ME!!! YOU SIT BACK AND TELL ME YOU COULD NOT BE HAPPIER FOR ME AND THEN TELL ME THAT?!?!?! GROW UP!!!

I wish every one would start to understand that they will never change the way I feel about Sen and everyone in Canada. I feel that the only purpose to live right now is that blonde haired, blue eyed man that I have fallen so hard for. Sen, Angelisx, Nuro, and Freya have given me more than enough hope, love and conifdence to be able to take care of Sen when I arrive.

On a higher note. I am almost ready to move. All of my things aside from close for work are packed and the next step is to pack my things to put them into the attic so my mom can have the room back so she can get rest when she is home. I am going to miss the south a little bit, but it will be so much better being with Sen. My next log will be how Sen and I met hope you like.

Suie
Gaia

Bad Day

2005-11-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

**moans** man today has just sucked all together. I went to get up to get ready for work and I blew chunks. GRRRRR are the gods mad at me. I have been sick since I left my Sen and it is not getting any better. *thinks* If I lose my job because of thins I am going to be sooooooooo.........grrrrrrrr. Well I finally woke up for the day after I had to call into work, and Billy the guy I am living with missed his bus to school.*shakes head* I felt misserable all day and still do typing this to you all. My mom said that she is tired of me beind sick and is making me a doctor's appointment. Did I not tell you all that was starting to be to good to be true??? I know that I am going to lose me job because of this, I just know it.

Well I want to make this part of my journal to Nuro. You remember the promise I made you last night of trying to start making myself believe I am **shudders** gorgeous??? Well I made a break through last night/this morning. Now I believe that I am cute. I am taking this one step at a time so do not push your luck.

I miss my Sen and the rest of my Canadian family. Cannot wait to see/meet you all. Well I need to get some rest so I can go to work tomorrow sick or not.

Okay if you are MALE read and BE WARNED!!!

2005-11-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

Alright todays post is for ALL MALES, not just a choice few of you, but ALL of you. Now I want to warn you all for the safety of your favorite areas((if you do not understand and you are sitting down look at your laps.)) There is one word that women hate and will walk out on you in a heartbeat if you say it and that is the four lettered "C" word. If you have a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife you know what that word is. I cannot tell the ones who do not know because this place looks down on cussing. I hate this word probably more than anyother woman in the world does, for the simple fact that Robert has called me it too many times to count.

This word can get you hurt and a woman will make sure that you cannot ever have children if you ever call her it. I should know I got into a fist fight yesterday because of it. Some "man" called me the word I have been warning you about and now he is in the hospital. That is a prime examle of what may and probably will happen if you ever call a woman that.

Well on another note. I am sick as a dog and I still have to work tomorrow. GRRRRRR. God I need to stay home so I can rest but being sick will not get you money. I got to talk to my Sen today. That cheered me up. I must say goodbye to you all for the night.

Suie
Gaia

To my friends. You know who you are. Good night and sweetdreams.

HERE YE HERE YE!!!

2005-11-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Okay so here it is. Computer's hate me and that is a fact. The reason I say this is because today at work the cash register, fabric roller, and scanner kept messing up. Every time I scanned a fabric to put in the amount the costumer ordered to get how much it cost to print out a receipt to put into the cash register to ring up their entire order kept wither turning off on me or not scanning. Now the fabric roller I could understand. You have to have skill to work that piece of machinery((grrrrrrrr evil mechanical thing)). The thing that really got to me was the cash register((once again grrrrr evil mechanical thing to DOOOOOOOOOOOM)). Every time I log in to check out a costumer so they could complete their shopping it decided that "we hate her lets make her angry". I would have not been so angry if it was just one but nooooooo it was both of them and we only had two. So other than personal computers, computers hate me.

Anyone ever been better at Algebra in school, and sucked in remedial math??? Well if not you know one al least. I failed remedial math for years, because I just could not understand it, and the only reason I passed was because I copied((no lectures)). Well today was a day I wish I hadn't. I could not add up nine feet to three yard and it took the cosumer to tell that answer. Then a woman asked for four yards of fabric((and this one was just plain stupidity)) and I almost only cut ONE yard. Finally, oh you are going to love this one, I cannot exchange fractions to decimals. There I said it((bows head))god I feel dumb.

I am still depressed from last night. I tried to call Sen and Freya answered and told me she would tell him to call me back. Which as fas as I know of never happened, now I am not mad at Freya((no reason)). I am not made at Sen either, in fact I am not mad about it at all. I am use to not talking to Sen much so it is no big deal. I was just depressed and needed someone to talk to, and it would cost to much for AngelisX and I anyways.

I got to talk to Nuro today, but not much. Also I still need to talk to my Sen, but it will have to wait till after work tomorrow((well actually later on today)). All is going well other than the things listed above. Write more later.

Some southern men are dogs.

2005-11-04T23:47:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why southern men act the way they do??? Some are nice, that is all good, but they are rare to find. Now the rest of them are dogs and to easy to find. They care nothing about anyone but themselves. Like Robert(my father), he cares only about the money I can bring him and not how I am financially, emotionally, or physically.

Let me tell you a little about this "man". When I was younger all he ever did was physically and emotionally abuse me, in result I started cutting. He cares nothing about how I am just how I can get him money. The only time he ever tells me he loves or even cares for me is after he is so drunk he cannot see straight or much less stand. I have spent a better part of my life trying to make him happy at the loss of my own happiness and pride. Now that I am bettering myself by not cutting and being happy with my Sen, he is freaking out and getting mean towards me. He has tried to turn my family against me all the way from my grandfather to my four year old niece. Though now I care no less of what he thinks or does he is only ruining his life not mine, though not for lack of trying((laughs at the thought)).

When I moved away from my Sen to come down here to Louisiana I was under the impression that all I had to do was to go and get my GED and my college diploma, and he was going to pay for it all, but nooooooooooo((goodness what was I thinking)). He changed everything that I had to do. I had to get a job to pay for my GED, college, to fix my car after he said he would do it, and (this is a good one) so I could live with him. UMMMMMM HELLO EARTH TO ROBERT..........you are suppose to be my father, and a good father would not make his seventeen year old child have to have a job to live with their guardian.(this is why I prefer my canadian man) Well that is all I can tell you for tonight I need sleep so I can get to work tomorrow.

Sweet dreams my friends.

Well here I am.

2005-11-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

Well I now have a Blog. I know a few people here and figured this place would be better than MSN. So far I have been right.

First let me start off by introducing myself. I am Gaia Rae drama follows me everywhere I go(in other words these logs will have lots of it), and I will say things in here that will be to the point and can/will be rude to some people. I am engaged to Sen, the guy you all may have heard from AngelisX's Lost Shards. I am a Pagan and I am Bisexual and if you do not like any of what I am saying then do not even read any of my logs. I am a drawer, dancer, singer, writer, poet, mechanic, and Bridal Consultant.

This log it to introduce myself there will be more to come of my life as it happens. I would like to give my love to Michiko, Meriya, Kitty, Angelisx, Sen, Freya, Eve, Novakue, and Nuro. May all of your dreams come true and never ever stop reaching for the stars.